The more life I experience, the more I realize that it’s all about control. In fact, NOTHING in life matters unless we can’t control it. When we feel out of control of a vital aspect of our lives, we will seek to gain it in other areas. These areas are generally superficial, and are to the detriment of ourselves and those around us.
I talk about it a lot, but the area of my life that is most out of control is the one area of my life where I experience the most shame. I genuinely feel like that if people close to me, who were not obligated to love me, knew the gravity of this certain situation they would abandon me. I certainly do have abandonment issues, but that’s another post for another time (maybe).
This thing that rules me daily is ugly and devastating. It’s loud; it’s messy; it’s dangerous; it knows no fear or boundaries; it never sleeps and it drains my every resource. It controls where I go, who I go with, how long I stay. It controls where I live, the foods I buy, the company I keep, and almost every thought that enters my mind. It controls my future and makes me regret the past. It is a constant reminder that I could be defective – that I am defective because no matter what I do – I cannot change it. It. Rules. Me.
It makes me feel more lonely and isolated than I have ever felt before. No rejection, abandonment, or betrayal has ever or will ever cut me so deep.
What’s worse is it has me convinced that I am unworthy; not worth the trouble. And it has nothing to do with appearance or personality. I know I am pretty ENOUGH and smart ENOUGH and patient ENOUGH. It's not a vice or an addiction. Even still, I could get all the surgeries in the world, obtain advanced degrees in the arts and sciences -- completely master myself and my desires; I could acquire wealth beyond measure and have every material thing my heart desires.
But it wouldn’t change this. This is for life -- the rest of my life. It’s ironic that the one thing that’s here to stay is the only thing in my life that makes me laden with insecurity and crippled with self-doubt.
And despite all my best efforts, it’s getting worse.
What is this thing? You’re probably wondering.
This thing that is stronger than me, and so fast that I will never out-run it is…
Autism.
I admit it.
I can't even IMAGINE how my son(s) feel.
